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Memories, Today, and Future

All my life i divide by episodes. For 16 years i have a lot of episodes in my life, maybe, my reminds not so perfect, but some episodes i remember with warm feelings.

Some people thinks, that we are remember episodes from past with better feelings, then they are really happends. And i agree, but personally, when i see, that i don't have such problems with health and feelings in past, i'd rather try to feel this one more time, even for a few days.

As now, it's also December, but about 6 years ago (2016-2017). Some getting ready to New Year, but i am live in hospital for 10 days (there is also 2 another times, when i am live in hospital for 10 days). I am being a kid this time, and i see this world different, from teenagers and adults, that being near me all that time. It's not that kind of hospitals, like in movies, with white walls, and other medical things, but feelings, that i've got from this place, it's the same deep. There is also theatre in this hospital, so it's really cool. Every time, i see cover and booklet of "They're Only Chasing Safety" by Underoath, i feel that episode, i remember that things from my life. This reminds for me now like something warm, because i see this world more simple, than now. I am listen to music, play videogames, chat with my friends by Discord, and programming.

They’re Only Chasing Safety

I don't want to say, that past is better than now, but the same time, i see, that in December we don't have any snow, i see only dark and empty streets, there is no more this atmosphere of comfort, when you can do anything you like with happiness, with these children's fuse, where no one can stop you, and when every holiday - it's the reason to unite with people, you love. Almost anyone i know, they are not here right now, or even dead.

It's remind's me about main character of "Oblomov" by Ivan Goncharov, where he is feels good with family and his house, but when it's dissapear, all, that he wants, even in adult age - it's to take back this feelings and atmosphere.

Maybe, i am live in past, maybe, i cannot accept changes, or changes of myself with some external or internal factors, but this is only my minds, that i want to publish.

Possible, after reading you feel, that i am crazy, but now i am under influence of painkillers, so i feel yourself better, than usual.

Written: 18.12.2023
Last edit: 18.12.2023